Angela : A lesson in butting out

G’day. Today’s story is about butting out and I’m absolutely sure you have someone in your life that makes this story frustratingly real for you. Angela is the wonderful lady who had the faith in me and my vision for the worrywoos Emotional Intelligence program for kids, to take the program on as the Australian distributor.

This year has not been an easy year for Angela. Her mum Irene is 88, fiercely independent, brought up 5 kids on the farm on her own after being widowed at age 32. Irene is made of that true blue Aussie spirit that says when the going gets tough, the tough get going.

“But” there comes a time – … although still fiercely independent of mind, recently Irene has been diagnosed with a serious medical condition and that means lots of tests, lots of specialist visits and lots of struggles to do it all with flagging energy. So against her will, Irene has come up to stay with Angela and her husband Gordon to make sure Irene can get the testing and treatment she needs.

“But” - you don’t surrender your house, your independence, your routines, your hobbies and your friends easily. So it would be fair to say that independent Irene has been a touch testy – doesn’t want people to fuss, just wants to be left alone, just wants to make her own decisions.

In the other corner is her daughter Angela – equally strong willed, fiercely independent and wanting her mum to get the best attention. So here we have two independent ladies, each sure that they’re doing what’s right. According to Gordon, this is how the conversations between them go:

Angela: Mum you have a big day of tests coming up tomorrow, I think you should get some rest.

Irene: But I don’t need to rest now. I’ll rest when I need to.

Angela: But last time we went to the urologist you were absolutely exhausted the next day.

Irene: But that was because you had me all uptight about it all.

Angela: But, mum, it wasn’t what I said, just the walking and the effort and the concentration knocked you around.

Irene: But it wouldn’t have, if you stopped fussing.

Angela: But mum I have to, it’s not that I want to etc

Gordon, is on the sidelines listening to this loopy conversation and, when asked by Angela to step in and be a bit more supportive, suggested that both of them should probably just “But” out. In other words, hear each other, take on board what the other is saying but no more “buts”!

It’s easier said than done, when you’re sure you’re right and you think the other person isn’t listening. But, but but, honestly, have you ever won an argument at all, ever, let alone with the confronting “but” thrown at you like a sparring jab.

What do they say, we have two ears and one tongue so we should be listening twice as much as we talk. It’s hard work and maybe the other person does have it wrong but no “but” is going to fix it – just leave it alone, walk away, go quiet or even put your point into a text message surrounded by loving packaging – that way, things can be considered rationally without the amygdala jumping in and blocking the ears.

So my pledge is that BUT is out and I just BUTT out when I disagree. But if only people would listen to me the first time!!