Death Of A Parent

 I know you’re close to both your nans, in other words you can con them both, but this case is about a kid grieving for a nanna she hardly knew – do you want to know more????

OK, here’s the story - Maria was in to see me about her daughter Jessica.

Jessica had been crying a lot, wouldn’t play with other kids and had become very clingy. Maria was sure that she was depressed about the loss of her grandma who had died suddenly three years before. Every time Jessica was sad and crying and Maria asked her what was wrong she’d say she missed her nana and then Maria too would burst into tears.

When we talked further the oddest thing emerged. Jessica hardly knew her grandma. However what also emerged was that Maria was still distressed about the fact that she had been very close to her mum but they had had a fall out over Maria’s partner’s behaviour. In fact she hadn’t been in touch with her mum for over a month before nanna’s sudden death.

So, what was really going on was that Jessica was grieving, not over nan, but missing the lost happiness in her home. In a way, since nanna’s death she had really lost her mum.

Sudden loss of loved ones always leaves so much unfinished business that we’re caught in for an eternity. There's no time to say "I'm sorry", "I love you", or "don't go yet", or "let me tell you what you've meant to me".

Although it's small comfort, nobody, no matter how close or prepared they may have been for the loss, ever really escapes this feeling. It's part of the "if only..." stage that follows so soon after the denial and the anger stages. It takes the mind but a moment of time to turn from blame to shame and in fact it's this very stage of unbearable anguish that marks the beginning of our adjustment to the loss.

Janice Harris Lord, in her (out of print) Millenium Press book "No time for goodbyes" suggests that if you've lost a mate suddenly and haven't had time to say all the things you wanted to say, then take time to communicate even now. For some that might be prayer, for others it might be writing a letter to the one you've lost and even writing a reply. It's not weird, grieving is doing whatever you need to help you understand and accept. As the anguish decreases then so will the letters.

As we age it's that very pain and anguish of lost loves that can give us serenity and understanding way beyond the tumult and the shouting of a world in torment. It’s called maturity.

Maria had not done her grieving. She was so determined to deny the pain that she had passed it on to her daughter. It’s worth remembering that grieving is the only form of pain that comforts.

( So Jensen, when it comes to your turn to grieve, don’t bury it – be proud of your memories and treasure what that person has meant to you – that’s what they would want more than anything else in the world)