Disenfranchised dad: A lesson in learning that good outcomes often take time

Kim I will remember for the rest of my life – because, against his better judgement, he followed my advice! It must be hard for someone to go to a counsellor with a million things on their mind and accept advice from someone who hardly knows them and unaware of at least 990,000 of the variables that go into decision making. I know, as psychologists we’re meant to tease it out and let the client work out a way forward, but Kim and I had done that and he couldn’t move forward.

His wife, Chelsea, was a very loving mum but very protective. Kim and Chelsea had met at a prestigious private school and were the ideal couple, both very well connected. Kim had gone on to university and done a degree in building and an MBA and was all set to take over the reins from his dad.

But Kim couldn’t stand his dad who used him as his successful show-piece to all his friends – his dad would drive by Kim’s mansion, not call in of course, but tell his friends how successful his son was. Kim not only had the mansion, but also the ocean going yacht and money was no object. Like his dad he tried to win his boys over by showing off his prizes of wealth, his accoutrements – the kids were not impressed. They would rather have lived in a happy home. Chelsea for her part was over all the posturing and parties and the loneliness so they separated.

Then they both came to see me together tow work out the best access arrangements. Things worked out OK for a while and then dad got another partner who wanted his time and wasn’t keen on his kids, wanting all of their dad’s time every second weekend so the access plan faltered.

Then Chelsea became quite angry= they say there’s nothing more dangerous than that of a woman scorned. Chelsea made the mistake of trying to poison the boys against their dad. Now the boys were really hurt when the y thought that dad had duped them over the years. So when Chelsea asked them if they would like to move up closer to her sister hundreds of miles away, the boys jumped at it.

Kim was immediately in to see me – “how can she do this, I love my boys, I can’t let them go!”

I advised him against that stand along the lines that if you block them then they will feel even more incensed with you and your control. I advised him to let the family go, smarten up his own priorities, keep sending them cards and make regular calls for birthdays but not to block their move north.

Kim, against his better judgement, reluctantly agreed to accept my judgement. I don’t know where he and his kids are now, but a few years later, Kim rang to thank me for my help; the kids had started coming back every holidays and now both boys were back living with him full time and seeing their mother during holidays. Two critical lessons were learnt here – never sink the other end of the boat as Chelsea had done or your end will sink too, and secondly, material trappings mean nothing to kids compared to where your heart is – both parents learnt a lot but the damage to the boys can never really be restored.

If you’re in a position where you’ve been really hurt by a friend or family, no matter what, anger is an option, just as forgiveness is too – I know a million times over which one is healthier and gets the better outcome.