Nathan: A lesson in acceptance

You’ve had this happen I’m sure. You meet people you knew years ago, the faces are familiar but you haven’t got a clue as to their identity. It happens to us all but for consulting specialists, it’s really hard. You may have a very deep and intense professional relationship with a person but then the problem’s resolved and they go on their merry way. When I met someone who remembered me I’d say something like “how’s that problem now”, and generally they thought I had an incredible memory.

This happened recently with the family of Nathan. I met his dad, Andy, at the supermarket and he deliberately stopped to say Hi. I knew the face and the grin but couldn’t get any closer than that. Andy reminded me of the case, 20 years ago, when he and his wife, Jody, brought their ten year old son to see me. The flashback gave me the picture of a very tidy, somewhat effeminate 10 year old Nathan coming in to the room clutching a green plastic bag, obviously containing prized possessions. We got talking, I asked him about friends, favourite hobbies and at that point he opened the bag and produced exhibit one , "Dolly Surprise", the baby whose hair grows longer when you lift her arm, and exhibit two, "Little Miss Make-up", the doll whose make-up disappeared when exposed to hot water and returned as she cools. This was Nathan's hobby, brushing and dressing dolls. I recalled looking across at dad, the football coach, and his eyes were brimful.

I remembered, with the help of Nathan’s file, that as soon as Nathan left the room to watch something on in the waiting room dad blurted out every question that had been brewing in his fearful brain for ages. What did we do wrong? How do we handle his birthday wish for swimming pool Barbie? What do we do when his grandparents encourage him to bring his dolls to their place? What do we do when he takes his dolls out and plays on the front lawn where all the other kids can see him? Is he going to be a homosexual? Do we just let him play with the dolls or try to make him play with something else? What are we supposed to do or say or think?

I must have given some helpful answers 20 years ago because Andy was glowing with pride about his boy; Nathan now has his own extremely successful hair salon (which dad funded in large part) in a nearby shopping centre, he is very comfortable in his pad with his partner, and Andy wouldn’t want a more loving son.

Some things take time to work out but with enough love, families have a remarkable capacity to heal wounds and right wrongs. Andy then emailed me a poem by Mandy Duncroq that he said he found and helped reconcile with his son:

“Accept me for who I am /I’ll do the same for you

Don’t try to change at all/ Just to yourself be true.

We all have faults and failings/ It’s what makes us all so real

Noone can be perfect/ With this we have to deal

I love you with your weaknesses/ I’ve sure learned that I have mine

We all learn to deal with change/ It just takes a little time”.

Well done Dad!.