Rachel: A lesson in saving face

Maybe you have a teenage daughter like Rachel - very bright, tried hard, did well at school, but last year she came top of the grade at a prestigious private school and then the problems started.

Now everyone said she was intelligent and the teachers expected her to have clever answers.

Rachel became super-anxious, scared that next test she wouldn’t go so well and that teachers and parents would be disappointed so she refused to try, said she didn’t care, all because her ego was on the line and she loathed it.

In the recent half yearlies she drew flowers on her exam paper so she didn’t have to compete or face the failure of not coming first.

Yet she hated herself for not trying; she was cornered and could find no way out so she became a real behaviour problem at home and at school.

Strangely enough, she’s doing better now since the half yearlies. Her marks and behaviour were so bad that the family was called in to consider change of school or suspension.

This outside pressure gave Rachel the excuse she needed to tell her friends that she wanted to stay with them so she had to work again or she would be expelled.

Since that incident with Rachel, I’ve collected ideas from parents about ways they’ve found to help kids feel good about themselves. Maybe there’s an idea or two here you could use your way:

* be positive, sometimes it seems we're so busy, the only time we say anything to our kids is when we say something to criticize them

* point out that they may not be perfect but nor is anyone else

* make sure they get at least one cuddle a day

* give them responsibility to show how much you respect them

* show appreciation for their efforts, let them know that you can’t enjoy success if you’ve never failed

* get them into hobbies or sports where they can experience success, every kid’s good at something

* don't end the day with an argument

* really listen to your child - don't interrupt or finish their sentences

* never be embarrassed to say "I love you"

* don't expect every lesson to be learned the first time 

* help your child remember the good times in the bad times

* don't be afraid to let your child see you cry

* don't take yourself too seriously as a parent - a lot of good growing up will happen in spite of you

* if you can't think of the right words to say, just hold your child close

* remember that children need discipline and find limits comforting

* be silly with your child once in a while

* teach your child the difference between "me first" and "my turn"

* don't make excuses for your kids, let them take consequences of their own actions

* if your kids complains that you're too crabby, think about it, maybe they’re right.

Maybe you could bounce these around with your family and work out a few home brewed ideas that work for you. And don’t brand your child by virtue of their intelligence.

As one cynic said “there is nothing so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than you have”.