Renee: A lesson in determination

Renee was the only daughter of a single mum who had a chronic back condition that kept her bed-ridden for much of the time. Darryl, her dad, was nowhere to be seen and as Renee grew up, she became very bitter about a dad that would have nothing to do with her.

When she came to my attention she was self-harming superficially on her arms and refusing to go to school. Renee then went all gothic with pasty face and just curled up embryonically – she just wanted nothing to do with a rejecting world.

Her grandfather agreed to pay for Renee to attend an “alternate” school that focused on the performing arts. Every student there would probably have been rated as alternate – no school uniforms and the students did on-line distance education for the first half of the day before various facets of performing arts in the afternoon. .

Renee really took to the acting side of the afternoon activities and soon earned leading roles. She was super bright, and it took her no time at all to learn her part. Eventually we prevailed on Darryl her dad to just help out a bit with private singing lessons so Renee could be confident in Musicals as well.

But Renee just couldn’t accept that her dad wouldn’t even think about supporting her or wanting anything to do with her. As Renee progressed into more challenging roles, she did a lot of role play – putting herself in the position of various characters – what motivated them, why were they bitter, angry etc.

And after we won a bit more money from dad, Renee started to put her feet in dad’s shoes – this man she had never met - just seventeen years old when she was conceived, given no say in her schooling or location, embarrassed and ridiculed by his friends – and he was a chip off the old block, didn’t know how to show affection just like his own dad.

In fact Darryl saw his dad’s payment of Renee’s school fees as a pathetic attempt to make up for lost love, and that’s why he would have no part of it.

Renee put herself in Darryl’s shoes and together we composed an email to Darryl along the lines “dad I now understand how hard it must have been when I was born and I’m sure no-one has ever really understood why you have never been part of my life. That’s not your fault and it’s not mine but I need to feel you care about me and I would like to buy you a ticket to the matinee session of the play we’re putting on, it’s called “Bring it on”. You will be my only guest for that performance”.

Dad went, they talked, they now catch up regularly and the family is more or less functional.

Although I was there to help Renee, she taught me just how much repair work can be done in relationships if we just temporarily drop all our own anger and hurt and rejection, and really try to walk in the other person’s shoes – very few people I’ve met, and I’ve met some tough ones, are deliberately nasty, most are wearing unaddressed pain that makes them spit their way through life.

Darryl’s problem was not Renee, once he shifted his focus, he was free to love once more. Thank you Renee- what you did took real courage! I’m so proud to have known you.