Sandy: A lesson in uncommon sense

G’day. You know I’ve been asking for YOUR heroes, admittedly I haven‘t got many back but Sandy’s story had so much uncommon?? sense in it, I had to share it.

Sandy writes

I heard your podcast the other day in praise of dads. Separated or not. Well I lived with a guy who was unbelievably deceitful. We separated years ago but what a nightmare. I learnt a lot and wanted to share it with other women going through tough times.

I think the worst feeling is that you're just a pawn in a court game. You're just somebody who has no rights in the custody situation and that all of a sudden the other person is calling all the shots. It's the power that they have over you that left me feeling so angry and helpless.

My advice to other mothers who are going through this sort of hell is to be gentle with yourself and separate your feelings from the kids’ feelings. The way I coped was to draw an imaginary bubble around myself and around the kids and then tried to deal with their feelings totally separate from mine.

If they come back from access weekends with complaints or with fears and tears, don't feel that you've got to get the liquid paper out and repair their weekend.

Sometimes what they really want is just someone who will sit there and listen to them and comfort them, but not take some counter-action.

I guess what I'm saying then is to listen to their complaints, be their wailing wall not their military adviser!

If you apply a little bit of light heartedness to the situation too - how often do they complain about not wanting to go to school, not wanting to go to bed or not being able to watch a video? For some reason we tend to put access on a completely different line to anything else. Be sort of realistic about what they're complaining about.

The thing that I've learnt over time is to give them permission and encourage them to love their dad regardless of how he has treated you.

But there's another side to custody that books seem to overlook. That is, it's not just you and it's not just the kids, there are also relatives and parents and friends who aren't used to access and will come up with the classic line "well I just wouldn't put up with it, I wouldn't send my children" which makes you feel like you're a complete ratbag. Thank God for a couple of sensible friends who helped me keep my balance.

Because the simple fact is that legally you don't have that choice. Legally the children have a right to see their dad and their dad has a right to see the kids.

So don't fight about it, don't fuel your anger with their comments. Let them say the things they want to say but don't make it ammunition for your own little war”.

Signed Sandy.

Thanks Sandy – it’s so true, it’s hard for the kids to stay afloat if you’ve sunk the other end of the boat.